Changes

The massacre at Virgina Tech has really made me start thinking. I have always been afraid of death. Not only for my family, friends, or others, but also for myself. How would it feel? Would it be fast or slow? How would it happen? This made me start thinking. Is it that I'm afriad to die or that I am afraid to live?

Our world is full of bad things. Those are the things that make the news. Those are the things that make us lock our doors, walk in groups, and not go to certain places after dark. Those are the things that make us question life.

After I learned about the shooting, I htought about it all day. Last night when I was at work, CNN was showing stuff about it and it got me to thinking: What if someone walked in right then with a gun and shot me? What would be my last thoughts? Would I think of my parents, sister, friends? Would I pray? Would I die? Instantly? Or at all? What woul it feel like? Would it hurt or would I be too shocked to feel anything? Would I be happy with the memories I would leave with people? Would I know I had made a difference? How would I be remembered? Would I feel like I had lived life the best way I could? Would I feel like I had lived? All of these thoughts ran through my head at the same time, but individually. And afterward, I felt devastated. I realized that I'm afraid to die because I've been afraid to live. I mean really live. Does that make sense?

I've been consumed with complaining, worring, and being upset with what I don't have or what I want or wish that I had that I haven't been grateful enough for what I do have. I have a great family who would and does do anything to help me and is always there for me. I have spectacular friends who are always there to listen, give advice, and have fun with. I realize that I may never meet a man, get married, and have 2.5 kids. That's something I've been focused on and complaining about for years. But now, how trivial is that? Sure I want it to happen, but it's not in my control, so why spend all of this time fretting over it? Life is too short for me to waste my time upset because of something I can't change. I don't want to be in a situation where I am at the end of my life and I look back and all there is to show is my list of complaints for what I didn't do or didn't get. I want to see the good times I had with family and friends, the good deeds that I did, the difference I made in someone's life, the giving I did for others, the change I made in the world. I don't want to come to the end of my life and be full of wishes of things i would have done or said or changed. I want to have a sense of accomplishment that I did the things I wanted to do, I said the things I wanted to say and let people know how I felt, and I was the change I wanted to see in the world.

One of my favorite quotes is "life is what happens when you're waiting for it to begin." Really how true! Everyone seems to think life is what happens when you graduate from college, get a good pay job, buy a house and a car, get married, and have kids. And you are supposed to accomplish all of this by the time you are 25. I mean seriously, half of those things will probably never happn for me, but it doesn't mean I haven't lived. I don't think you can plan your life out that way. The only think I think you can do is set goals for yourself and then try to reach them. Once you reach it, then make a new goal. So, I, for one, am going to stop waiting for my "life to begin" and just start living! I know where I'm heading career wise, that's one goal accomplished. Now I need to make some more goals. I'm looking at doing more community service for one thing, maybe volunteering at the animal shelter or helping elderly take care of things around their house.

I want to do things that make me happy, give me a sense of pride, and make a difference. I hope you notice a change and start to see a more positive me. I hope I inspire you to do the same. I hope I can look back on my life and be content that I did all of these things. I hope if I am ever faced with death that I will be ok and know that all of my family and friends know how much I love them, that I did the best I could always, that I gave more than I received, and that I never regretted who I wa, what I said, or what I did in my life. So, I love you all and hope that you will join me in living the fullest life possible.

Fall Goals

I tried this once and it didn't want to work, so I'm gonna try again.

I only accomplished half of my goals that I set for myself for this summer, so I thought I would make some goals for the fall semester. So here goes. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome or want to help me accomplish them that's great. The more the merrier.

1. Make it through the semester without being stressed in school and actually finishing my work.

2. Visit Egypt at the Frist.

3. See a show at TPAC

4. Visit friends who don't live in Middle Tennessee

5. Visit some state parks that I've never been to.

6. See a movie at the Drive-In

7. Learn to cook marvelous meals/ cook & bake more often

8. Do something new that I've never done before

9. Plan a trip somewhere I've never been

10. Spend more time with family and friends every week

It's been called to my attention that I need to do an update and I agree.

I started working at the YMCA across the street from my mom's apartment. Right now I'll be opening, which means I have to be there at 4:30 AM! It's crazy. I don't have a problem getting up in the morning. It's a matter of staying awake past 9 p.m. But I really like it and I get a free membership, so that's great. I'll also be doing the summer program there starting in June through August, so I'm really excited about that because I'll be working with kids, so that's great experience. I'm also really excited that I'm going to be CPR and First Aid certified in case I need to use any of them.

I'm ready for school to be finished! it's crazy all the work I still have left to do and only a few weeks to do them in. AAAAGGGHHH!!! Anyways, I'll make it through.

Well, 2005 is coming to an end and a new year is fast approaching. It's funny to me that people see years as ending and beginning all within a 10 second countdown. I mean it's not like time is a typewriter that comes to an end and then you have to slide it back to start. Time is continuous and it doesn't stop, so to say that it ends and then begins anew is hard for me to grasp. And I've never really thought of a "new year" starting in January, especially since it's usually cold and drab and boring. Since I've always been in school and will obviously always be in school since I'm going to be a teacher, I've always thought that a "new year" starts in August when schools start back. But again, you can't restart something that is continuous can you?

Anyways, I think this "new year" has many prospects for me. It's an even numbered year and I'll be an even number(24) in April. I have a thing about even numbers, so when it's an even year I'm really happy. I also have a lot more positive attitude about everything and have really come a long way with a lot things. So basically in 2006 I'm going to turn over a new leaf and get my life to the point I want to be at. Plus my sis is getting married to a really great guy with a really great family.

My mom finished her very last chemo treatment today. She was so excited and so were me and Keri! It was kind of emotional b/c we've become attached to the nurses at the hospital. Now all Mom has left is radiation, which will probably start in February and then she is officially a Cancer Survivor! I think we'll have a party for her.

Good bye 2005 and Hello 2006!!!!

Well, thought I'd update. I'm finished with classes for the semester. Yay!!!! Keri's wedding dress came in and we are going to see her try it on in a few minutes. Her wedding is tentatively in May. I have a great close friend getting married in August, which I'm in her wedding too. And then I found out last night another friend is engaged and getting married in October. So that makes 3 weddings I'll be in this upcoming 2006 year.

I'm super excited about my sister's wedding and the wedding in August. But I'm a little sketchy about the one in October, because my friend has completely blown us(our friends) off because of this guy. Now I know when people date they want to spend a lot of time together, but there has to be a balance of boyfriend time and friend time. And it really makes me mad b/c the whole time I've ever known her she has complained when friends ditch her for boyfriends. And she's only known the guy for about 6 months and I've only met the guy twice. Now, to be a 'best" friend of her's I would think I would actually know this guy, but I really dont. I guess that's why I have a problem with her being engaged to him b/c she hasn't let us get to know him at all. I guess we'll see if it actually pans out. For her sake I hope it does, but if it's not meant to be I hope it's before October.

I will definitely go to Jamaica to get married after being in so many weddings in my lifetime. Then we can come back and just have a great big party with all of our family and friends. Any takers? haha. I'd make a great wife and mother.

Alright. I guess I need to go help someone plan a wedding. You know the saying. Always bridesmaid, never a bride.